Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones,
They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only R1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "R 390,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking R 2,950,000" for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of R2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra R 150,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Where There's a Will...
One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy shit, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God's name could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A Nudy Tale
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection,
it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities smiling broadly.
He enters the sauna, and as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist,
'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card.
You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.
I fart 35 times a day!!'
A Cocky Horse
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
Flower Girl
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said,
'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For R 10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a R10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won R1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement....!!!'
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tyre made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one-ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked towards the front door, he paused briefly at a tree, touching the tips of the tree. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.
His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again. "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
LORD... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER .... Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy remarried again, ,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together.." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret :
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
JUST TOO CUTE.
This is the cleanest E-mail joke I’ve come across in a long while!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' She asked.
'Hunting Flies’ He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, … 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers..
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
